“You have to let me kill myself if I think my time is up.” An actual chilling sentence I have told 2 ex-boyfriends. This was a 1 sided agreement.
It took me a while to realize. People who love you? No matter how flawed they are will never agree to this.
I’m Ashton De Roy and I had planned to be dead right now. How did I get here? June 7th 2020 I got a concussion at Giant Tiger. From there my life had spiraled out of control and I was put in to Safe Beds & then homeless.
Why did I want to die? Multiple attempts at failed independence, a family culture I am irrelevant to & another ex turning to my family for psychological assistance… I have my own therapies that I self-manage. Not their selected therapies!
Failed independence is a tricky topic. Since I was 14 years old it is like my family put a gun to my head to get into gear. In fact Melissa Deroy my Dad’s ex wife and my second cousin did just this. When they acted surprised when I lashed out at 27? (Editted for mellodrama.) Consider the fact, “YOU metaphorically PUT THE GUN TO MY HEAD PRESSURE WISE!” Now I have to metaphorically turn the gun around. This was highlighted by a seizure disorder I on some level believe was kept from me &the psychotic disorder I kept a secret.
As for the family culture I am irrelevant to. Let’s just say when no one respects you or treats you with dignity or respects your relationships. It is easy to lash out! Sometimes the most infuriating thing is a family that does nothing about red-flags. I always shout… Like I did with Matthew Clarke! “IF YOU DON’T DEAL WITH THOSE RED FLAGS? I WILL DEAL WITH THEM MYSELF!” So I did that in 2020 after knowing Matt for 4 years at least. Why should he get to walk around tormenting everyone? This is a 1 sided agreement he has made with himself and no one else. I never said I liked Gay Jokes, I never said you could say Me Too stories have gone too far & I never said abuse your sister in front of me! I’m not your mother. So when I say “I dictated Ashley’s abuse to a Child Psychologist!” I mean everything associated with that. You see everyone behaving a certain way. You think I am going to guarantee that same behavior. However, you & I never set clear boundaries Step Brother to Step Brother. You must be going off of someone else’s words or your own affirmations. Without clarifying with me “Do you agree with your parents’ cultural philosophies?” The answer is plainly “No!” I don’t respect my elders, I don’t follow nihilism & I am a Wiccan EcoSocialist. I love my Dad & Mom but I can plainly state I don’t follow their word on everything. I am not going to be forever trying to get them on my same page.
One thing I have repeated to two partners. “The last thing I want is a man who plays God with my mental health.” AKA Autism wise. I have a God Complex. It is nothing personal but you can’t help me. You have missed the point, failed to acquire literature & jumped the gun! I have to examine this honestly & ask if someone trying to save my life is maybe acting out of self-interest. I don’t understand my self-worth so I can’t give you this answer. Self-worth is something we either inflate or deflate depending on who you ask. I can’t tell you why Kaylib Drury and Chris Rudan on separate occasions saved my life. I can just say they did it and notice the fact I can still breathe.
Relationships are not maintained on pointless one sided agreements. I couldn’t actualize the fact with my parents that Autism + ADHD under my conditions rarely had great success with complete independence. Through education and work that was a fact they chose to adamantly denied until recently. With regard to one sided agreement. Both parties have to consent to a shared vision or they are just jerking themselves off individually on self righteous moralism. In my case I couldn’t get my loving companions to say I should just die even though it felt better than forced independence. In Matt’s case, he can’t accept the unending duty to be a positive player in interpersonal relationships. It is just a burden he is stuck having to bare. This isn’t an argument of adulthood. Quite frankly on an autism forum you should find no such argument. (I have learned.) This is an argument of Matt Clarke & I never having actualized our interpersonal relationship.