My ex Kaylib Drury knew a truth about me that I fell in love with them for. I am a liar! When they began teaching me the morality of honesty? I got hearts in my eyes. I thought “They are trying to moralize a psychotic disorder & teach me math. They must really love me!” That is how my brain works. If you are trying to moralize me, but let me keep my pot. If you try to make me smarter. Well I think you must really love me.
I’ve only had two great loves in my life. The other Chris Rudan taught me the whimsy, brilliance & enlightenment of Secular teachings. I still wanted to be a Wiccan in the end. It wasn’t his fault. He is wasn’t a Creative cooperative Socialist.
I have no other honesty or enlightening journey to give you from my experience being homeless! Or my Suicide prevention in Safe Beds Kingston Ontario. I am Psychotic and that is my only meaningful truth. It doesn’t make me happy. It won’t lead to a long life. I won’t have happy relationships. I will have fleeting love. I am okay with this. I have no other option. I don’t believe this is a mind over matter issue at the end of the day.
My truths for later self-review:
- Everybody lies, but you can have fun with their lies & tell excellent lies for yourself.
- A good day is defined by not arguing with someone else. The desire for peace is tyrannical so don’t be afraid to be a tyrant.
- Your family is manipulative. Whether you rely on them or don’t. Your only responsibility to them is to the victory in the best aggressive manipulator game! The rules to how you play are this… You manipulate with lies & you manipulate with honesty. Your step siblings have been lied to so often they lack a sense of self! If needed your siblings are a Jenga tower of instability. If they come at you? Just take out their brick let them collapse and move on.
- You are selfish which makes you a bad boyfriend! Unless you meet a guy with a severe attachment problem that you fall in love with. If you meet a guy with a severe attachment problem? Get couples counselling. He is potentially a suicide risk. You will likely end up alone or with many failed marriages. That is okay!
- Don’t bother with counselling… Unless you are bored of talking to yourself! There is no making of the perfect Autistic. You are an agitator who wears people down and that is in your nature.
- (Brother) Kyle DeRoy & (Dad) Randy Deroy has had a life time of your crap. Therefore they are the only people you will never likely win your interpersonal manipulation battles with.
- Your mother is a narcissistic emotional burden. She cries and has fits constantly. Never discount she taught you the power of your own abilities. Never give her an inch or she will take a mile. When she dies? Accept that nothing could of been done differently.
- Randy Deroy and Tracy Carpenter are more at fault for Matt, Ashley & Kyle than they give themselves credit for. Effort has been put in for elaborate manipulations & abuse. Kyle came to his realizations when he saw me race to become a Security Guard to protect him. Ashley had some of her realizations when she moved in with Eric. Matthew Clarke is completely clueless. He is still playing a game with himself, his mother, Ashley & I that he will never win (Even if I have to hold up my end.)
- Finally your mind is broken and that is your lifetime burden. Don’t accept a message a hope. That is a fairytale for sad people. Autistic people with insecure attachments don’t get better. They get worse & die young. That is a truth you must accept. You spent your formative years trying to equalize & moralize everyone around you so that you could move ahead healthy! That didn’t happen… You have to accept the personal failure & let out the anger!
At the end of the day these are your truths and some of them are lies. Don’t let anyone else own your truths for the benefit of their hero complex! You were told from a young age that “If a romantic partner intervenes with Ashton’s Mental health by moving them to a Mental Health facility without a pick up plan. They are probably abusing you or you are in a co-abusive relationship.” With Kaylib Drury. You will label it co-abusive but issue apologies for your part.
Finally your blog means you have never monopolized your Psychology! It is public because you were told by the time you got on ODSP you would have severe mental health problems. It is ODSP time. Guess what readers? I have severe mental health problems. Problems that worsened over time.