Where do you want to be in 5 years? I don’t know! I deserve to be able to say that & maybe if the pre-requisite for counselling is that you need to assemble a 5 year plan. Maybe I don’t need counselling. I don’t want a goal, I don’t want a destination & I don’t want success. I don’t need to make people proud, I don’t need to make people like me & I don’t need to meet expectations. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to love & I don’t want to care. If something comes along for me? Maybe I will care suddenly but I am not fighting for anything right now. I am not crying over losses anymore. I simply do not care.
This is all directionless. This blog is directionless, my content is directionless & my life is directionless. That is okay. The only people who don’t think being directionless is okay are the over ambitious psychotics that run the economy. This will do nothing to change me, my family & my career track.
This will not change myself totally because then people think they just need to fix me. You don’t need to fix me… There is nothing that can be fixed. We only fix things artificially anyways! For example I tell my ex boyfriend Kaylib Drury how he has improved my mental health so much since we got together. It isn’t true… It is a lie we tell so that someone will accept us and we can experience love.
This will not change my family. Matthew Clarke may for example think a little deeper about being a Police calling b**** in regards to his sister. He will not change. He will just feel more righteous indignation. I am okay with that. I am also okay that my father continuously thinks I can work and strive for independence. I can’t and every time I try I nearly get killed but it is a magical thought.
I have no career track. I am just going through the motions of a start & stop work life. There is nothing there at the end of the day. Speaking of people with an obsession with your five year plan. Employers are obsessed with asking “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I want to reply, “Preparing for the apocalypse!” What makes you think I can be so secure that I plan for 5 years?
As a reader some want me to change. Yet I will never change who I am. As a reader you think I will either come to an actualization or change my family. That will never happen either. As a friend or someone else you think I will start taking my career track with more determination and success. I will not! I dare you all to f*** off well I remain directionless.